Things fall down in my house a lot. I’m not sure why, but I was
thinking it might be time to alert NASA. They don’t know it yet, but gravity
is measured differently within the 110 square meters of living space we
have in the house we rent in this Bavarian cow town. I am certain of
one thing: there are more things on my floor than anywhere else in the
entire Northern Hemisphere.
Playdoh, for instance, is found in inordinate amounts under my kitchen
table. How did it get there? Gravity.
Juice spills across the lunch table day in and day out. Why? Gravity.
My eyelids are dropping. How come? Gravity.
I imagine the toys under my living room furniture would not be there if
it weren’t for the Earth’s gravitational pull. If we lived on the moon,
the Tinker Toys my son played with last week would still be floating
around the atmosphere. The legos he catapults across the room would have
landed in Berlin by now. I would be wearing the smile I had at age 19,
and my bosom would look as it does when I do a handstand. Lo! But we
are not on the moon. We are in a rural town just north of Munich.
Housecleaning on the moon would be easy, I bet. Have crumbs? Toss them
up and watch them reach Venus. We’d have permanent helmut head due to
the astronaut suits. There would be, however, no need for shampoo, hair
brushes or the like.
Recently, my son was jumping on the couch. As is his morning ritual, he
was wearing not a stitch of clothing. Suddenly he cried out, “Poop,
Mama!” I ran to our not-so-pristine white couch and grabbed him, shouting
consoling phrases for him to “hold on!” I even held him upside down,
thinking I could defy the despised gravitational pull. He did not make
it; neither did my slipper which slid across the wood floor with the
product of his concern.
To address such issues, we could purchase a device which simulates
lunar gravity, which is roughly 1/6th of the Earth’s pull. Can you buy a
lunar gravity tent on eBay, I wonder? Gone to the highest bidder with
three seconds to spare. That will be $346.28 please. Payable via
PayPal…I’ll let you know if it works. If it does, I may not be able to find my
computer again. It might be floating to the next galaxy. No more
hammering the keys to write inane thoughts. At least then, I can say with full
confidence that I’m lost in space.
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Christine Louise Hohlbaum, American author of Diary of a Mother:
Parenting Stories and Other Stuff, has been published in hundreds of
publications. When she isn’t writing, leading toddler playgroups or wiping up
messes, she prefers to frolic in the Bavarian countryside near Munich
where she lives with her husband and two children. Visit her Web site:
http://www.DiaryofaMother.com.
