Cleanliness is Next to ImpossibleLet the housekeeping wait You'd have to neglect your child to keep your house really clean all the time, but of course I conform to a higher standard. I wouldn't dream of abandoning Emma for that length of time, and believe me it breaks my heart not to be able to spend hours scrubbing the grout between the shower tiles with a toothbrush dipped in bleach. It's just another personal sacrifice I must make. The real goal of being a new parent is for the child to love you, and little kids don't give a rat's keister about a clean house. Remember when you were a kid? Who were the most popular parents? Not the ones with slipcovers on the sofas, plastic runways bisecting all carpeted areas, and irrational rules about sitting on beds. No, the popular parents were the ones with a nice comfy layer of clutter on everything. I am not saying that a messy house is a prerequisite to good parenting, but I am saying that a meticulously clean house will impress your baby about as much as C-SPAN. An alternative to cleaning Because I've made this decision of conscience to sacrifice the pleasures of sore knees, dishpan hands, and mystic visions from inhaling disinfectant fumes, we have a cleaning lady come in every few weeks. Her impending visit always prompts a flurry of preliminary cleaning to get the surface clutter out of the way so she can get down to the nitty-gritty. That's what we tell ourselves anyway. In reality we just don't want her to know what slobs we are. She does a great job, really great. This is a person who is personally offended by dirt, dust, and mildew. It's not a job, it's a crusade. She doesn't simply clean house, she eradicates dirt. She's good alright, but there's a catch. She is a compulsive talker, and when I say this I am not exaggerating. "Gabby" (not her real name) is what I would classify as a "chain talker," meaning that she has the ability to flow seamlessly from one topic to the next without the need for any logically unifying thread, and can continue in this fashion for upwards of 20 minutes without ever seeming to draw a breath. Furthermore, she is unencumbered by that special need which hinders the average talker; namely, the requirement for another person to be listening. Often she does not even need another person to be on the premises. She loves to talk about house cleaning but is equally at ease suggesting the best stretches for lower back pain, a recipe for lime chutney, or why the toenail clippers they sell at KANT SPEL drugstore (actual name: Rite Aid… really) are an inferior design. But the clincher is that she is unable to conclude any conversation. Because everything reminds her of something else, she has no linear sense of a conversation's beginning and end. To call her thought process stream of consciousness doesn't do it justice, since streams are generally limited to flowing one direction at a time. "Flood" would be more like it. Any efforts to bring closure only produce the sensation that one is sinking in quicksand: the harder you struggle the more you get pulled back down. The good with the not so good After experiencing spectacular failures with cheap conversational devices such as "Wow, look at the time," and "I think I left the baby in the car with the motor running," I progressed to the bluntly elegant "I'm leaving" which yielded only slight improvement. In the end, nothing works gracefully, and one must turn and walk out the door, taking deep breaths as her words fade out behind you: "That reminds me, I was talking to this guy in the market and he said that his nephew…” Nowadays I have to make plans to be out of the house when Gabby works. I put up with it because she does a great job cleaning. Besides, I hope to steer her toward the help she needs to overcome her challenge. I've told her about this new 12-step program for compulsive talkers ... it's called On and On Anon. About the author: Before writing Homedaddy: Little White Lies & Other Tales from the Crib, Todd Pinsky worked in film and television production, owned a catering business and coached Little League baseball… but not simultaneously. He lives in Santa Cruz, California, with his wife and their two young daughters. Visit Todd at www.homedaddy.net. Sign up to Mommy's Helper - Mom's Market Ezine for marketing tips, business resources, and much more. Receive Your F R E E Subscription Now! |